Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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