PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.