7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The Punning Dead.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years