Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.