At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB