Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”