“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.