Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
You Might Also Like
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Just a bush.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper