Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I think this should do it.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.