Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
How to properly lift a body
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Oh, I bet you would be
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack