(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
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Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Yup
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys