If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
water it, i dare you
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Strangers have the best candy.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.