So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
No selfies while hijacking a train.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’m confused about plants
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.