Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?