I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Today’s Times
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.