I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Does your wife know you’re single?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.