When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*checks Timeline*…
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged