They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work