Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.