Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I cannot call her anything else now
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?