Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Basketball
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Leaving the Barbers like
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Interior design 👌
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft