Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago