Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Hit me in the face with a bird
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?