Go girl power!
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”