Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven