Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Running from your problems is cardio .
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.