Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”