Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You Might Also Like
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue