Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
wtf is a larm clock?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms