me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Finally
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life