One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.