If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.