[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Love this one 😂🧟
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
This kid is a star!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.