Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
o shit
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not