Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.