Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Beware of the dog..
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.