Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You Might Also Like
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Namaste
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.