Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe