I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Happy weekend !
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat