My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.