Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
You Might Also Like
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Love this guy
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.