boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“The Perfect Relationship”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022