NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.