STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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RT if you know someone like this!!!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.