Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.