*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Good dog. ❤️
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.