Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
pls suprot
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Note to self: always read the final line
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home