Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Jesus Christ lmao
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*