My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wishing you and yours all the best
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.