I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics